Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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