i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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