I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
