I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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