so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
