I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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