I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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