Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
