no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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