Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
