Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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