Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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