I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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