i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize