I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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