the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
