did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize