Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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