who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
