She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
