Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
PANTIES FOUND
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