The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
