my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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