Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I need a burrito and a hug.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
