So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
