I could have mohawked her pubes.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
