I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I could make wine with my vomit
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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