No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
