just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
