So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
