Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
