thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
