we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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