Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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