I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
