i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
