Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
