bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
