Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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