I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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