i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
