By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
