Sober January is a disaster.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm determined to sit on that face.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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