I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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