why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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