youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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