if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
