my phone needs a breathalizer
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
