After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
