theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize