only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize