tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
