i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
