Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
