he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
