I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
