I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Can Purell be used as lube?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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