Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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