im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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