Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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