i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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